>Let’s pretend you’re 16 years old. Wouldn’t you love a nick-name? I know I would. There’s just one problem: when you want a nick-name you never get one. It’s only when you don’t want one that somebody gives you one… or, that is, it’s when you do something so stupid it now defines your very person and sticks with you whether you like it or not… that you get one… a nick-name, that is.

Does anyone know why you will never suceed in giving yourself a nick-name? I have a few theories. If you say, “hey guys, I want you to call me T-bone from now on,” there are a few things that could get in the way of it sticking. (A) your friends will think the nick-name is stupid. (B) your friends will be deterred by the fact that you WANT that to be your nick-name, which makes it less cool.

So, how does one go about giving themselves a nick-name that will stick AND be cool? Easy. It’s called “planting.”

What you do is devise a predicament whose outcome is somewhere close to the nick-name you would like. For instance, if you wanted the nick-name “T-bone” you might find a stranger to help you set up this happenstance: you plow right into the side of thier car, t-bonning them. Then, the stranger would yell at you for t-bonning their car. They would call you a t-bone and repeatedly say the word t-bone. This stranger would give you the nick-name and your friends would continue to cary it onward for the sheer hilariousness it has tucked away in it’s past.

Go ahead, try it out. Just make sure you remember who your stranger is so you don’t t-bone the wrong vehicle. That could cause you to get into lots of trouble. On second thought, just make sure you never try this at home. You want a real nick-name? Go out and do something stupid.