As I sit around, watching YouTube, occasionally getting on my phone, browsing the Internet, and checking social media I can’t help feel like I’m wasting time. And while watching TV or playing video games 24/7 might not be very productive, not everything that feels like a waste of time is. Let’s explore, shall we?

Reading on the Toilet

You had a big lunch. You may have even overstuffed your gullet. Your eyes are just a little bigger than your stomach, I guess. And now… well, if people don’t get out of your way…

So you head to the bathroom. Lock the door. Turn on the vent van. Light a few candles. Spray some air freshener. And then let loose. And while you’re there, you might as well crush some candy, anger some birds, or surf some subways. Maybe check on some messages. Check out the local news. Watch that funny puppy video… muted, of course. You don’t want people hearing things and wondering what you’re doing in there.

Actually… now that I think of it: what ARE you doing in there? No, seriously. You went in there to go to the bathroom. Do your business and get out!

I know it might seem silly. I’ve mentioned how spending the time doing laundry or cooking meals is a good use of time. And I’ve also mentioned that you can listen to music and podcasts or watch TV, movies, or even YouTube while folding your undies. You can essentially multi-task, in a sense. While you’re spending time on a menial task, you can occupy your brain with some YouTubers yelling because they just got blown up by another Creeper.

You’d think I’d be ok with this whole “using my time wisely” idea. You’re just sitting there on your throne. You may as well use that time wisely and follow up on some emails. Or clash with some other clans. But you’re actually doing more harm than good.

First off:

You have a place to answer emails. It might be a desk. It might be the kitchen table. Wherever it is, it should not be the toilet. You do realize what you’re touching when you go to the bathroom, don’t you? Let me paint you a picture: poop. Do you need more? Particles of feces are all over your bathroom. And now, they’re all over your phone. When you leave the bathroom you wash your hands. Do you wash your phone?

I didn’t think so.

Second off:

The longer you sit on the toilet the more stress you put on your bum muscles. That’s how you get hemorrhoids. Or worse. Ask your doctor. You might have also run into the issue before, where you get up off the toilet, and suddenly you can no longer walk. If you can walk, it feels like you’re walking on glass that is shattering beneath your feet and releasing tiny little needles as they explode. And then, of course, you’re just spreading feces via your phone.

Third off:

You aren’t being as productive as you think you are. Just honestly think about it. The last time you took your phone into the bathroom with you – did you:

1. Reply to some emails, return some texts, proofread your report, line up some work, and in general do something productive?
2. Browse through social media or a “news” site, looking at one post after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another, after another…?

Be serious. How many of those did you read? And how accurate was I?

If you still think it’s a good idea to sit on the toilet for hours playing on your phone, please don’t ever shake my hand.

-Diggs out

P.S. – YES. Reading, doing crossword puzzles, playing on your phone, or otherwise occupying yourself while on the toilet is a waste of time. You’re already doing something on the toilet. Do it and get out!