For those of you who might come across this post, I would like you to know a few things. And even for those of you whom have read this blog before, there are a few things.
First off, I wish to write nearly everyday. A quick glance at my homepage will show just how well I do at that.
Second, I want to say so much, but between “offending people” and feeling like I might possibly offend someone and in general being scared that no one will ever read what I have to say, or care, or will and take offense and go after me (verbally or physically), I just can’t muster the courage to write what I think.
Third, I think constantly only taking breaks to consume media or read over things I have written in the past. My mind does not shut off unless I shut it off, and while that is a chore it is possible. However, I almost fear shutting off my mind, as if it’s an old car I might never get to run again; or more aptly, an old computer with many programs running, and shutting it down would force those programs to close thus losing the information or documents they had open. Saving documents and clearing memory before shutting down is an equally difficult task, although, it has been done before.
Fourth, I don’t really know what I want out of all this. I would honestly say that I want to be a popular YouTube star who vlogs, tells stories, and makes a good sum of greenbacks off ad revenue and patronage. And while that would be nice, I’d rather do one of two other things: (a) whatever I want, that is, something I enjoy doing or talking about or something that is important in my life; (b) something that makes an impact.
Fifth, I am scared to death of backlash because *gasp* I’m a Christian who believes that Heaven and Hell are real and there are sure-fire ways to get to either destination. And that is not P.C. these days. You can talk about love and respect all you want. Actions speak louder than words. Cuss me out now and then because I call out the accepted sin of the day. I don’t mind you having opinions (even if they’re wrong). But attack me, send me messages, emails, and DDOS my websites, and I get legitimately scared. Not that any of that has happened to me, because, well, who am I really?… But just the thought of it scares me.
Sixth, there is so much out there and I doubt I can contribute to it. That doubt is so deeply entrenched in my mind that I consume 1000x more than I create. And that’s being conservative.
And speaking of being conservative…
Seventh, labels are everywhere and most people who are given one either don’t deserve it or gave it to themself. Why do I say this? Because that’s what people do. If you want to convince a friend to watch a YouTube channel you must explain what that channel is about, why it’s worth their time, who runs the channel, etc etc etc etc and you don’t do this by writing your friend a persuasive essay. You wouldn’t have many friends if you did that often… or even once. Instead, you do what YouTubers do for each video they post: you use keywords. Words like “conservative,” “funny,” “short film,” “animated,” or “musical.” And these words, this list missing a few million, are charged with connotation. I don’t want a label I didn’t give to myself.
Eighth, I can stop, but I can’t go on and on and on. In fact, I have an animated video project I’ve been working on for months now. It explains a currency accumulation system in a mobile video game. But while many people were confused by the system when I began making the video, I haven’t heard anyone ask about it for a while now. Which makes me think that my video, or rather it’s sole purpose is now outdated. No one wants to watch a video containing information they already know. But at one point, all I had to do was slap the rest together and post it. Share it with some Facebook groups and voila!
Ninth, I don’t do my own stunts. That’s really just a metaphor, as I have no stunts to perform. Stunts, in this case, would refer to talking on camera. Or even setting up a camera. Or even doing a voice over where you don’t get to see my face, and as such I remain hidden from the world… I just can’t bring myself to talk to a camera. I can barely bring myself to talk to my voice assistant, in private, with no one around. Yet, I’ll talk to my dog even with an audience.
And Tenth, I have no personal space. I’m a little strapped for cash right now and there’s no time I can guarantee I’ll be alone for a few hours to record a video, edit the video, and watch the video a dozen times to make sure it’s perfect! This is quite possibly the reason why it’s so hard for me to open up to my camera. I never know when someone will suddenly be home, nor do I know when they will be leaving. There’s no way I can plan. There’s no time when I can record. And there’s no way I can afford a place all to my self… I wonder how the garage would work…?
Those are a few things about me. They are inherent attributes of my personage and character. That’s not all of my attributes, but they are the ones I perceive as being the most relevant to this media platform. They are certainly not debilitating, yet at the same time are definitely road blocks on my way to wherever it is I’m trying to go.
And now you know.
P.S. – I almost had an Eleventh and Twelfth. You’re welcome!