*applause and cheering*
HOST: Welcome back to The Health Insurance Game! I’m your host, HealthCare.gov. With us today is DiggsMcGee. Welcome DiggsMcGee!
DIGGS: IT’S GREAT TO BE HERE GOV!
H: Whoa! He’s excited. We’ve had a great game today. Our contestant has filled out the forms and checked all the boxes.
D: THAT REQUIRED BOX I DIDN’T HAVE INFORMATION FOR REALLY THREW ME FOR A LOOP, GOV!
H: Heh, yes DiggsMcGee, you can stop shouting now. This is the quiet portion of the game.
D: SURE THING, GOV.
H: Uh-hem… So, you’ve passed all the requirements, racked up $245 of tax credits, and now there’s just one last challenge for you.
STUDIO AUDIENCE: CHOOSE YOUR PLAN!
*loud applause, hooting, and cheering*
H: Alright, DiggsMcGee, here’s your choices…
VOICE OVER:You’ve got three great choices today, Diggs. Let’s take a look at Insurance Plan Silver.
VO: The Silver plan has a rather high deductible, but very small premium. I just hope you don’t have to see the doctor too often. For the price of your Netflix subscription and Xbox Live you also get to pay thousands of dollars if you ever go to the ER. But that’s not all… for each visit you take to your PCP – that’s Primary Care Provider- you get to pay an additional 50% of the cost. You could rack up to $9000 by the end of the year. That is, unless you are in impeccable health. Oh, and did we mention that only two visits to your PCP are included? How about that plan?
*audience claps and cheers*
H: So, what do you think about that?
D: WELL… sorry… well, it seems nice, but I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, what if I get injured on the job? – I’m not a mind reader, Gov.
D: So, I’m gonna look at the next plan.
H: Ok, show us the next plan?
VO: Alright Diggs, the next plan is the Insurance Plan Gold Plus.
*audience oohs and claps*
VO: If you think you’re going to need to see the doctor then this plan might be for you. You’re going to have to get rid of Netflix, Xbox Live, and your Cable TV, along with possibly getting a flip phone, but if you can make that premium you get a lower deductible in the high hundreds to low thousands. Along with that, you can visit your PCP as often as you like – you’ll just have to pay a little more each time until your deductible is met – and you even get cheaper generic drugs. And ER visits? Well, don’t have too many, but if you have more than four, the fifth one is on us. Now, how about that plan?
*audience claps and cheers – they are happy to be here*
H: Ok, Diggs, what about the Gold Plus plan?
D: Well, it looks nice, but I didn’t come here to get all this way and pass on something great. SHOW ME THE NEXT PLAN!
*audience roars with applause and cheers*
H: Alright. Let’s look at our final plan.
VO: Well, Diggs, either you’re not in debt and know how to save your hard earned money, or your rich uncle left you with his estate.
VO: And let’s hope one of those is the case. You’re going to need to sell your brand new car to afford the Super Mega Platinum Insurance Plus Plan!
*audience hoots and hollers, cheering uproariously*
VO: This insurance plan has a premium that will only cost you an arm and a leg each month, possibly your first born child, and maybe even your literal blood, sweat, and tears but with so many perks! You can visit your PCP every day and get prescription medications at no cost to you!
D: Sounds good, sounds good.
VO: And we’re not saying there’s no way you’ll use this much insurance, but having a baby every year wouldn’t hurt…
D: Wouldn’t hurt what? And I’m not even married…
VO: Let me ask you this, Diggs: do you still have your appendix?
D: Um, yeah…
VO: Well not anymore! You can have elective surgeries all year long!
D: That sounds dangerous…
VO: And hey! Why not take up cliff jumping!?
D: Why take up cliff jumping?…
VO: You could throw yourself off a cliff with an umbrella and we’ll pay every cent from the helicopter ride, to the ER visit, to your hospital stay, all the way through your five year physical rehabilitation!
*audience can’t contain themselves*
VO: But wait! There’s more!
VO: Say hello to your brand new… MRI MACHINE!
*audience cheers and applauds so loudly the rafters are ringing*
VO: So, Diggs, how about that plan!
*audience finishes acting like they’re at a monster truck show so we can get on with it…*
H: Well, Diggs. What do you think about your three plans?
D: Well, Gov, I ain’t gonna lie. I have no idea what dee-ductibles are. But I’m pretty sure I don’t make enough money in a year to pay for the Platinum… Mega… Plus Plan. I’m not sure how often I’ll need to go to the doctor, but I want to be covered if something happens… And… I don’t know, Gov. There’s just so much to think about.
H: Well, Diggs, it is a tough decision. And I meant to tell you backstage, but you now only have 10 seconds left to choose.
D: Oh! Boy, I-
H: Now it’s 5 seconds.
SA: 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…
D: Uh… Oh, geez, I guess, erhm… GOLD!
*audience cheers like there’s no tomorrow, and there better be because I just shelled out all sorts of money for insurance as well*
H: OK! Tell him what he’s won!
VO: DiggsMcGee, you’ve won another year filled with grown-up activities!
*audience isn’t even cheering anymore so much as they are just yelling and screaming*
VO: You get to practice better budgeting, work on your home cooking skills, and say goodbye to movie theaters, restaurants, and any venue that charges money. I hope you know how to wash your clothes in the bathtub with the rain water you collected. Good luck making rent over the holidays, but don’t worry; at least one of your friends will constantly nag you about “going out,” reassuring you that someone actually cares about you. So Diggs…
SA: THAT’S YOUR PLAN!
H: Well, we had a wonderful show tonight. We’ll see you next year on
SA: THE HEALTH INSURANCE GAME!
H: Goodnight and good luck!
*ok, that’s not even human sounds now… that’s just a bunch of marbles hitting a tin roof… seriously, did these people pay to get in here? where did we find them? I can’t do this anymore… I’m outta here… … … also applause*
P.S. – I JUST SIGNED UP FOR HEALTH INSURANCE!