It’s almost time for that end of the year post about resolutions. You know, the one where I talk about how I started out strong, but then let my posting slide. Where I comment on my “free writing” and “free sketching” efforts, which also started out strong… Where I mention my time spent making videos to post to YouTube, which were supposed to be for fun and just a way to get into a habit and actually make something but which soon died because I became partly concerned about COPPA and a little upset about my inhibitions that restricted me to making clip videos containing text instead of voice commentary because that’s a whole thing I don’t want to get into right now.
But let’s get into it.
The main issue is two-fold:
- I want to be internet famous, get all the likes and follows, and have my own fan base.
- I’m too
scaredself conscious to actually put myself out there.
Let’s talk about the first one first since I listed it first. Becoming internet famous. According to my nephew, I have videos on YouTube so that makes me a YouTuber like all the others, which basically makes me famous.
And that’s all I really want: people who “follow” and “subscribe” and “like” and “share”. I want a community who surrounds me because of my persona, my content, and our shared connection which come from the univerality of my content. I don’t really need to be internet famous. If I attended an event and some kids ran up to me asking “aren’t you DiggsMcGee?” with that bright eyed fascination like they just met someone cool, then that’s when I will be content. I don’t need to have millions of people fawn over me.
I just want connection… that revolves around me
And then there’s number two which I made number two because it’s poo. Being self conscious. It sucks.
I am literally at home alone right now, with a script for a video, lighting, a camera, and possibly two hours of free time to record a video, edit it, and post it to YouTube. But I’m not going to. Why?
If I get started sure maybe it will work out fine and I’ll be done recording in no time and I can edit the video and post it and begin my journey as content creator online personality who inspires people to be the best version of themselves while also spreading the gospel albeit in an indirect way but still managing to do something important to me while being an outlet and inspiration to others who are in need of it…
However if someone were to find out what I were doing such as my parents or other family members and they saw all my lights and the rest of my setup I’m afraid they won’t understand and will see it as a waste of time not realizing that if I am good at it I could potentially make a little money doing it while also inspiring and helping others in an indirect way and that scares me from even starting anything more than a Rocket League clips video where all I have to do is record game play edit out the boring parts and add a little music which can be viewed as hobby and therefore the same as playing music or a sport…
*big breathe in*
But the thing I am most scared of is the actual content which would be quirky opinionated and somewhat religious in the sense that I would be dispelling my own opinions about things in a way that is hopefully humorous and which might make me sound like a know-it-all which itself would draw the ire of people who have real knowledge of the subject over years of experience in the field but might also once again upset my family who won’t be able to cope with the idea that I have my own thoughts and ideas which I have spent lots of time developing that don’t exactly fit into the mold set by my upbringing or religious affiliation and that will wear on my soul until I eventually break and fall into a depression so deep because I can’t do what I want without hurting people nor can I make everyone happy while being content myself.
And that’s why I’ve let things slide.
That and I just don’t feel like what I’ve been doing is important, and since no one seems to care I just stop.
P.S. – *deep breath*