Remember being in high school? Remember how you would do things without really understanding why you were doing them? Maybe to be cool… or to impress someone… or to be like everyone else, or to be liked by everyone else… or maybe you saw someone on TV, some kid, and you thought “that’s what kids are supposed to be like“ so you better try real hard to be like that kid or else people are going to think you’re weird…
When do you grow out of that?
I’m, uh… asking for a friend.
It really seems like most of our lives are spent trying to be someone we’re not. At first we’re trying to be who our elders tell us to be. Then we try to be who our friends tell us to be. It becomes more apparent that we need to be who WE say we should be. But we also try to be who the TV or Internet personalities tell us to be. Some of us spend a lot of time trying to be who our religion tells us to be. But, we also spend a good chunk of time trying to be the exact opposite of everyone we’ve ever been told to be.
Where are we at now… like 10 different people?
But this isn’t about who we are supposed to be. And it’s not about who I am supposed to be. I’m sure I’ve written about that before, and quite frankly I’m too lazy to go look it up for you.
I was thinking about things that are taking place in my life. Well, just the one thing in particular, actually: I need a new job.
YouTube is hard, man. I’ve been doing something on YouTube since it began, sort of. But most recently in the past year I have had a YouTube channel where I play games and comment on life. I also play games with my nephew as he says silly things because he’s just a little kid. But it hasn’t really taken off in any way. I’m not sure I wanted it to. It may have been nice if it had. But realistically it was just a starting point for my actual big time YouTube career. Which I am also not too serious about. At least, not in the “become a famous YouTube celebrity” manner.
But also, retail is hard. Restaurants are hard. Things are hard.
So, I’ve been looking for a new job. I haven’t found one that I qualify for, nor want to do, nor pays enough, nor is something any teenager can’t do… And this stupid app just keeps asking me, “What would you like to do with your life, besides have delusions of becoming famous?”
Ok, it’s more like, “What is your desired job?”
And quite frankly I don’t know.
When I think about what I would like to do, I can only draw on what I’ve done to consider whether or not I would like to do it. But also, I keep hearing the ghosts of my past tell me that there’s lots of stuff out there you don’t know about so just go down a direction and you might end up finding something you like that you enjoy doing and can do for eternity until the sun explodes it’s gonna be great just relax!
You can tell I’m stressed because I don’t usually put in this many run-on sentences.
I’m not a high school kid anymore. I can’t just do something because. I need a reason. I need purpose.
But also, I need a better job. And quite frankly this post has not helped me get one bit closer to figuring out what I want to do or how to go about achieving it.
P.S. – life is hard. I wish money didn’t exist and I could pay people with my witty personality and my ability to just sit and listen to your stupid face talk all day… wait, should I become a therapist? *searches internet for therapy college* HOW LONG?! nvm…
P.P.S. – My first two real videos on my main channel are actually live, with one coming every week over the next month. Check it out if you want.