I Think Like You Talk

Today at work one of the other managers was talking about how he has no money. He’s a young guy and recently just bought a house. When speaking with another employee I overheard him say, “I’m more broke than I’ve ever been.” I replied with, “try having kids.”

Now, I don’t have kids, but three of my siblings have been blessed as such. My youngest sister has 5 wonderful little angels. Needless to say, since this was the point of my initial joke, they have very little money. At least to spend on luxuries, vacations, and expensive toys.

He obviously got the joke because he replied with, “let’s pray that doesn’t happen.”

I’m sorry…? Let’s “pray” that doesn’t happen?

I don’t know where to take this next part…

You could go down the route of implying that young people these days don’t understand that sex is completely optional in a relationship and the constant pressure to feel as if you are somehow wierd, depraved, or sick if you’re NOT having sexy-time every chance you get is all the work of the devil.

Or you could simply look at it as the most dumbest stupid to idiot. Because there’s no praying, hoping, or wishing required if you don’t want to get pregnant. You simply don’t do the horizontal hula dance and you are 100% garunteed not to have children.

On another soon-to-be-obvious-how-they-are-related-note it’s Christmas time! Seeing as that is still the case for the foreseeable future we are playing Christmas music at the shop. And if there’s one thing about Christmas music you cannot deny is that it’s incredibly repetitive. Actually if you’ve ever worked in retail you undoubtedly know just how repetitve music can be at any time of the year, but even more so during Christmas.

But’s it not just the same song playing over and over. It’s the different renditions of the same song playing over and over again.

It’s beautiful.

[tear rolls down cheek]

And I discovered something. As I listen to the music and analyze the tempo, time signature, key, arrangement, and lyrics I begin to see a picture that has as-of-yet eluded me. There is one song which is very… let’s say out-of-touch. A song that may have been acceptable in a time of patriarchical subservience. A song with such culturally mute senses that I can’t believe anyone ever allows it to be played in public.

That song? “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

What?! This epiphany is soo 5 years ago?

Yeah that’s the joke HOWEVER I did notice one line in the song that I’ve never paid attention to before. There’s a line in the middle of the song where the woman says, “I ought to say no, no, no sir… At least I’m gonna say that I tried.” This so obviously points out that the woman in the song is not being coerced by some dirty scoundrel who wants to shag. She actually wants to shag as well. Or else she wouldn’t have said that she “ought” to say no, as that would be the “propper” thing to do. But she’s more likely to say she “tried” to turn him down but eventually gave in. Which would make the guy look bad, and the woman to look like an innocent turtle dove. Not a naughty turtle dove.

And a partridge in a pear tree.

BOTH of these things which are totally related and I’m getting to it don’t rush me are things that I literally play out in my head as if I’m watching a YouTube video. It’s this odd thing I do, where I plan out “content” of some kind in my head with graphics, acting, plots, other characters, and all that jazz, and sometimes rock or even opera.

There’s some statistics which show that like half of all people DON’T have an inner monologe. Which makes sense because I must have accquired at least 5 other persons inner monologe at some point in my life. Redheads suck out people’s souls. I apparently steal your inner monologe.

When I was younger it was theatrical scenes. Then it turned into documentary scenes. The genre would change every so often and included faves such as “Live Studio Audience”, “Late Night Talk Show”, “True Crime”, “News Hour”, and “Dramatic Retelling.” But technology advanced and what was once the thought patterns of a movie director became a shorter, more to the point inner narrator: “Blogger”.

And nowadays it’s definitely evolved to TikTok star OMG JUST KIDDING PUT DOWN THE PITCH FORK!

Yes, as I’ve already stated I think in “YouTube Creator.” I don’t really know how to explain it, but I’ll try: Imagine you’re a YouTube creator. Are you doing it? Good. Now, speak. Ok ok ok, good job I’d totally subscribe and ring that bell. Soo… I do that, but in my head… all to myself… with… myself as the audience. Make sense?

And in fact I did this with both the idea about the Christmas song and the silly remark by the young guy who prays he doesn’t have kids… but also with the idea of talking about how I think about talking like a YouTuber. AND this very post is written in a way where you could read it like a script for a YouTube video.

As are most of my posts. Because originality is dead.

And that’s all. I still want to make YouTube videos but am too chicken to go ahead and do it.

The end.

-Diggs out

P.S. – How did you like the hyphenated-words-used-for-clarification-and-obsurdity vocab I used today? Too much? It was too much wasn’t it?

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