How NOT to Write

Original Post Date: Wednesday, 8. December 2010, 05:32

teaching, advice, stupidity, kids …

So, I am grading some work from the middle school. I teach computers, and the students recently had to write letters. Here are a few things about them.
First off, let me begin by saying I break just about all of these rules in every post I write. But, I am not writing for anyone but myself. AND, actually, I am practicing while I write. So, that is the reason for most of my mistakes and rule breaking (I am a lingual rebel, but that’s beside the point). I make the rest of my grammar no-no’s because I am trying to write in a way which is natural for people to read. Some people read what they see and some people read what they think the words say. So, I try to write the way people would predict what I am saying so they think I am writing personally just to them. It doesn’t always work… but sometimes it does.
That said, a professional letter, research paper, essay, article, or other professional or academic work should always follow these rules. No exceptions, unless you are quoting.

· Rule #1 – Lists suck. Do not list a bunch of crap for me. Use your freakin’ imagination and come up with an interesting way to say your next thirty points!

· Rule #2 – “etc” is for idiots who wanted to make it look like they know a lot when really they only understand the two actual pieces of information they listed.

· Rule #3 – Put things in order. (moron) And second, it’s rude. First, it makes you look unorganized (which you probably are)

· Rule #4 – – lol – These are not cute. You’re writing a professional letter. The CEO of Coca-Cola, Hersheys, Sony, Microsoft, Apple, Ford, and IBM wouldn’t be caught dead with a smiley face in their letters, memos, and reports. Grow up.

· Rule #5 – “…” If you have to use this… well… No, seriously, all this means is you know you should write something, but instead of using your brain and coming up with something to write, you’re going to leave the work to your reader. That can be a bad idea, because some readers are stupid. Oh, and by they way, a period and a comma both mean (to some extent) “Pause.” Three periods don’t make the pause any more imperative because most people just skip over them like they do regular periods and commas.

· Rule #6 – If you’re going to write words such as “gonna”, “freakin”, “cause”, and “lovin” stick the ” ‘ ” on the word so it at least looks like you know they are shortened versions of real, longer words.

· Rule #7 – Just how excited can you be? What is the difference between “!” and “!!!!!!!!!!!!”? If you can’t find a more descriptive way to say, “I love u!!!!!!!!!!!!!,” then shut up. I don’t care that you can’t put your emotions into words. Learn. If you want to write, learn how to properly.

· Rule #8 – Just how much can you mean something? Let me tell you something: you can only be happy. You can’t be “haaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy.” This is called ecstatic, overjoyed, or blissful. Use a frickin’ thesaurus.

· Rule #9 – If you think you need to break any of these rules in order to capture your reader’s attention then you shouldn’t be writing. I’m serious.

· Rule #10 – Last one (’cause I’m running out of material): don’t try to be funny. Either be funny or be serious. If you try to be funny you won’t be. You will come off as stupid.

So there are some rules for writing. Follow them, don’t follow them, idc. If you don’t follow them… Just don’t leave me stupid comments sayin “whats wrong with these????? > ” I don’t care how maaaaaad you are or how stuuuupid you think I am. SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just don’t write for me. Third, leave my cat alone.
Diggs out
P.S. – Did you see my last post? tee hee hee