Anxiety: My God is Bigger

Dear Anxiety,

You are nothing. You are minuscule. You are a gnat at my picnic. And I just got out my flyswatter. Time for you to go. My God is so much bigger than you will ever be. I don’t need medication. I don’t need therapy. I don’t need a 12 step program. I don’t need to pay two easy payments of just $39 for a sure fire program that will eliminate my anxiety.

I have Jesus.

My God is bigger.

-Diggs out

P.S. – I kind of like this new little saying of mine. “My God is bigger.” Because it can be applied to everything AND it’s true!

Dear Keaton

Dear Keaton,

Hey bud.

I know you’re going through a lot. I know it doesn’t make sense. I know it seems like the people around you don’t get it. I know it feels like something is wrong, but you don’t know what it is; and people around you may or may not see it, and even if they do, they’re not sure what it is either. I know because I’ve been there. And you are right:

It will get better, in time.

Sincerely,

A friend. Continue reading

I Don’t Know Who I Am

I

I don’t

I don’t know…

Just read the title. 

Basically, here’s my thought tonight: I just started watching this YouTube channel called TheOdd1sOut. Turns out, I’ve been following him on Tumblr for a while. It’s a comic strip. And then his videos, well, they’re just his “marshmallow man” talking about pretty much anything. The videos are kind of random.

Like me.

Except he has millions of subscribers.

Unlike me.

He also has one of those voices. You know, with the inflections and pronunciations, and off the wall comments that are pretty easy to imitate.

And that’s what I’ve been doing on and off for the last couple of hours, albeit, in my head.

I’m doing it right now, actually. 

ACTUALLY

as I think about how I do this all the time, I’m currently bouncing between Hank Green, Link (from GMM), John Green, the guy from that comic YouTube channel…, Mike from the now dead Idea Channel, and a host of others as I try to remember what other YouTube channels I watch.

So, yeah…

(MMC)

I don’t know why I do this. I’m not reciting their videos, or skits, or songs. I’m just “speaking” (which I put in quotes because I’m not audibly speaking, I’m just thinking) in their persona.

I do this a lot with Alistair Begg, a preacher whose podcasts I listen to.

(He’s Scottish, so that’s just fun.)

The things I talk about?

Just stuff. My own thoughts. My own gripes. My own personal vendettas. Just stuff I’d like to talk about, maybe in an online motion picture format of some kind. Sometimes I even make stuff up. (Mostly about science, or fake biographies. The word you’re looking for is “nerd”.)

You could say I’m trying to find my voice. But if you ask some friends of mine, they’d say I have a voice.

And they LOVE it, btw.

I’ve been told more than 2 times that I should have a YouTube channel where I just rant. If we extrapolate how much those people like me, measure that against how much other people I know like me, and assume that they would come to the same conclusion, then we can safely say there are no less than 2 people who think I should have a YouTube channel.

I could do it, I’m just, say it with me class…

“A big ol’ chicken!”

Aww, you do listen. :,,D

But that’s not really the point. The point is that I don’t know who I am. I know what I like. I know what I enjoy. And I know all the words to the song “We know the way” from Moana. ALL the words. Even the islanders language words. I even know what they mean.

[Google! What do words mean!]

But none of that tells me who I am. You know what tells me who I am?

People.

Other people tell me who I am.

I’m not a son without parents. I’m not an uncle without my nieces and nephew. I’m not your old computer teacher who was funny, a little mean sometimes, but mostly boring and way too technical for your developing mind to comprehend without having a student. People tell me who I am to them. And that makes me who I am. To borrow from Moana, I am a son, descendant from Italians and Germans and some people from Whales… But they don’t call me. Presumably because most of them are dead. I delivered myself to where I am now, for better or worse. I’m everything I’ve learned and more…? Maybe? However, I’m not too sure anything is calling me these days; from the inside or the outside.

Who am I?

Can a person just be?

Am I simply a child of God?

Am I my actions?

My thoughts?

My words?

My graphic t-shirts?

Is it a combination of things that I’ll never figure out because one second I’m an uncle, and the next second I’m the poppers guy, and the next second I’m persona on the internet who writes in a blog once every full moon?

(I make these desserts called poppers where I work. They’re like little balls of ice cream covered in chocolate.)

It’s funny, but pertinent that the episode of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood this morning was about how you can be more than one thing. Of course they meant the doctor can also be a firefighter, so the little girl can grow up to be a astronaut as well as a firefighter if she wants to. Also, Daniel Tiger can be the adventurer at playtime, but can also be a dad… like, for pretend.

So, maybe I’m all that stuff. Maybe I’m what other people need when they need it. And maybe, I’m just soaking in other personas to refine my own. Or maybe I’m collecting personas so I can be more diverse; as more diverse people need me to be something for them.

Does that make any sense?

Ok, I have to go to bed now.

-Diggs out

P.S. – I was babysitting my niece this morning. That’s the only reason I was watching PBS. And if you were sitting there with me, you’d know how unimpressed I am with kids shows. Do kids even really learn things from these shows?

P.P.S. – go check out TheOdd1sOut on YouTube. He is very similar to my own style of telling stories. Especially with the way he jumps around and can go off topic. And his metaphors. Funny guy.

Everyone Starts Somewhere, Right?

This post will obviously show up where ever these show up for my WordPress followers. But it will also post to my Facebook page and to Twitter. Heck, it will even post to Google+. (that’s still around?!) It will be in enough places that SOMEONE will eventually run into it. I made it soft this time so it won’t hurt. So run like the wind bullseye! However, when I watch all these cool videos on YouTube and read all these fascinating posts on WordPress or [insert blog format here] I get that feeling…

You know the feeling I’m talking about. It’s that feeling you get at Thanksgiving when all of your family is sitting around the table. You look around and contemplate the gene pool from which you’ve arisen. Cousin Billy is getting divorced so he can re-marry his first wife, Uncle Ted just turned 40 and bought a motorcycle because he swears he’s always wanted one, your sister is dating some guy who wears white makeup to make himself look as pale as snow and carries around a locket he got from Zan-bard (the alien overlord who abducted him last Tuesday… for the third time…), Aunt Carrie got a boob job, Mark just bought an underwater house, your brother is getting married to his dog, and your little cousin eats nothing but jelly beans. And you think to yourself,

“We could have our own reality show.”

I have heard no less than 5 people say something to this effect, albeit not about my family. My friend thinks her family could have a reality show. My lunch table in high school told this girl she should become a comedian. (She-comedian? Comediantress? Comedi-Anne?… Lady Laugh Box?… I’ll stick with comedian.) And nowadays, it’s normal for someone to say something like,

“Kick it, bruh! You should totes be on YouTube with that wicked crazy shuff, cray!”

I’m paraphrasing…

So, the “feels” I’m talking about are those strange moments when you’re watching PewDiePie or jacksepticeye play some stupid web game while recording their own reactions, and you think to yourself,

“Wow. All they did was behave like I did when I was 10 years old playing my SNES games. And they have millions of subscribers, and hundreds-of-thousands to millions of views per video… For behaving like a 10 year old. In a video. Online. Wow.”

(I couldn’t think of a funny way to say that. Also, I think I should add that, no, I did not cuss like them when I was 10 years old.)

I am literally left thinking about how me and my friends acted when we were playing video games. You always assume you’re hilarious. But really, when other people get in on the action, you figure out just how lame you are. And you stop. And you grow up. To be a productive member of society. Or a jewel thief. Just be yourself, man.

Yet here are just two examples of grown men (young men, but still legal adults who can, like, drink and stuff…) who sit around and make videos that are akin to my 10 year old self playing Super Mario Kart on the SNES. And they’re not the only ones acting like fools (and doing a lot of cussing) while playing video games and recording the whole ordeal.

Ever heard of Twitch?

My point is that I believe I could do that. And, yes, I believe it would be easy. I have already tried this out many times (not counting 5th grade me) whether it was playing with cousins, or playing a video game with kids at the community center where I work. They all seem to get a kick out of watching me react to the game in crazy ways… or they like watching me suck. But, it’s probably my humorous antics and funny catch-phrases. Although, I am not good at most video games, whatsoever. Except, LEGO video games. I am the bomb at LEGO video games. And, I’m pretty good at Mario games as well. Any side scrolling platformer, really. Have you ever heard of #IDARB? That is a great game. That reminds me: I need to look and see what the free Xbox Live Games with Gold game is this month….. I totally forgot my point…

My point is: if they can do it, I can do it. Because I do it already anyway. But do I really want to do it, or do I just want the fame and recognition, the likes and follows and subscribers? Do I want to do it because I want to do it or because if I do it I could end up with lots of people who “love me?” The little communities these YouTube stars have is nice. I would love one. (I’d probably have to churn out more than one post a quarter, though.) But is the effort worth it?

Actually, to be honest, that’s not the problem. The problem is that I’m (like usual) as scared as a cat taking a nap on the hood of the car right after you honk the horn. (take a moment to picture that. . . . . . now quit ROFL-ing and continue reading) Except, I know the horn is going to honk. Actually, I’m the one who gives the command to honk the horn. So, in essence, I am the one who is responsible for scaring myself… my fears are the horn… maybe. Or maybe the cat is my blogs… NO! Wait, I got it: The fear of the cat is the horn through which I blow it if I don’t get this metaphor tied up nicely… Oh, nevermind.

I guess, like the title of the post says, everyone starts somewhere. If you don’t believe me just look at the “Draw My Life” videos on YouTube. People who have accomplished a lot make a YouTube video in the style of Minute Physics (or whoever started the “draw on a whiteboard for the video instead of using fancy graphics” style). They portray their life in the oily dry erase ink and show where they were and how they got to where they are. And they all started somewhere, that’s for sure. What’s not sure is if there is a somewhere that does not lead to subscribers, followers, likes, and Patrons. Is there a way the whole, “spout off my mouth on YouTube” thing doesn’t work? Or do they all work? Or, do only the ones who make it their “thing they do” and not try too hard to be anything other than themselves end up succeeding?

What is success?

What is life?

Why are we here?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Hershey’s or Nestles?

Coke or Pepsi?

The world is full of important questions like these. However, as with all things, they never get solved by sitting around on the Internet at 1:00 in the morning whining because you don’t have a millions subscribers due to your own laziness.

Digg it?

Diggs out.

(P.S. – I am not sponsored by anyone. Not even Xbox. Even though I did put a weird sentence in where I displayed the name of the Xbox Live Games with Gold program. You know, the one which costs less than $10 a month. You get Xbox Live Gold, Games with Gold which gives you discounts and FREE games each month, and access to other premium content. And I’m talking serious games. Not like crappy indie games no one buys. And you get games for your Xbox 360 AND your Xbox One. The value is immense! Xbox rules! But seriously, I’m not sponsored by Xbox… yet… 😉

(P.P.S. – I seriously have no sponsors. Except Jesus. Shout out to JC! Love ya man! Peace brother.)

(P.P.P.S. – there’s a storm nearby, so if you could all pray that I don’t get struck by lightning, that’d be great.)