The title is true. And this is proof.

This is satire, I suppose, but it’s also a bit real. I have this notebook where I jot things down (it is NOT a diary!) and there is a section related to things I learned in school. I haven’t been keeping it for more than a few years, now. So, it’s not full by any means. As I remember or think about where I figured something out, or who taught me, I jot it down.

Things like…

In middle school I learned:

1. Adults suck
2. kids suck
3. people suck
4. Learn something long enough to get use out of it, then forget it

In college I learned:

1. The source of my comics was being bored in class in high school
2. Understanding things isn’t required: just spit back at the teacher whatever they want to hear
3. How to open a little bag of chips so I don’t get my hands all dirty from reaching inside

See, really important things.

And yes, I understand that I have actually taken a “biology class” many times in my life before college, so I would have a hard time remembering where I learned about cells, reproduction, viruses, and all that biological stuff. I would get it in elementary school, get more of it in middle school, actually be expected to know it in high school, and then be expected to understand it in college. When, exactly, did I learn what a “zygote” is? Who knows.

But here, from Facebook, is a list of more important things I learned growing up. Real lessons that can serve me well in my travels through life… that is, if I become an animated character in a fairy tale.

What I learned from Disney.
March 11, 2010 at 11:15pm
Everyone learned something from Disney over the years.
Here are the things I learned from Disney movies:

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. Cause if you don’t you’ll drown.

Keep moving forward… in time… and try to live with your future family cause your old life sucks.

It’s better to just be me than trade my voice for being a land dweller with a wicked half octopus, half fat lady.

Indians aren’t ignorant savages. Could ignorant savages talk to trees and change history? I think not.

Don’t eat peaches with little glowing, green bugs in them. You’ll turn into claymation.

Never give up, never surrender (was that even Disney?)

If you touch stuff you weren’t told you can touch, the giant tiger made of sand will eat you alive. Hope your monkey grabbed the lamp!

You can be ugly with a big hump on your back, but nobody cares at Mardi Gras… you just ain’t gettin no beads.

You can be goofy and get two movies.

It doesn’t matter where you move to, your pets will find you.

Toys are alive.

After shrinking your kids with a shrink ray, keep the shrink ray and shrink other things. Then, pop that baby in reverse and make things big. The fun never ends!

You don’t have to be a god to be a hero. You just have to be part god with a good goat to train you.

Women can fight in the army. Of course, in China you better save the whole **** city cause aparently the punishment for trying to join the army is death by beheading!

If you let your stuffed bear, rabbit, donkey, pigglet, and rubber tiger loose in the wild, apparently you can be a boy forever.

If you are raised by apes you will actually think you are an ape. Even though you won’t have hair like apes, the vocals like apes, or hands on your feet like apes.

101 dalmations aren’t enough. You need 102.

Make sure you are really moving away from your home town BEFORE you play pranks on everyone in the town.

There really are monsters in your closet. Deal with it.

You can train a ferocious alien to be good if you seclude him on an island with a crazy little girl and play him Elvis music all the time.

Don’t become a pirate.

I can actually get away with stealing the Declaration of Independence if I say it’s a secret treasure map.

There might be distant lands hidden in the back of old people’s wardrobes. There might be…

Cooking is not a science or art, it is a universal language that is so basic even rats can do it.

You really can have the best of both worlds… just not at the same time… and you better invest in some wigs… and your friends need to be VERY understanding…

If I tie millions of balloons to my house I can FLY!

So…………………….
What did you learn from Disney?